Last night, out of boredom or most likely being the impulsive person that I am, I found myself checking the tweets that I tweeted since I signed up for a Twitter account. Some are just re-tweets, a few conversation and most just outright spilling of random inner thoughts about things that seems to be extremely bothersome and complicated at that point in time, maybe. As I read those tweets, all 3,089 of them, I pause every once in a while, checking how I feel about a particular tweet that I made not so long ago, particularly about those with an almost love theme, letting go, longing and stuff that’s on the long mush list. I shouldn’t have paused.
With every pause I made, that nagging inside built, fraction by excruciating fraction and in the end, the option of just ignoring it fled altogether and I got into deeply thinking about something that I haven’t been paying attention at all lately. This might sound outright insane or for some tragic but still, it’s a thought that has been there for a long time now, quite a long time. Did I really feel that strong emotion that time enough to let it be displayed in my own space on the internet? Was all that true, unadulterated raw emotion? How come I don’t feel anything anymore? Did I really fell in love or was I just in love with the concept of being in love?
In my current state, being immense in fairytale like stories on a daily basis, looking from the outside, never within, I somehow became extremely doubtful of what I felt back then. I realized that what I wanted was a dream, but I was not in the dream that I wanted, never was, never would be. In my effort to find out how the dream feels like, I have deluded myself, planted colorful and wonderful images that are merely product of my imagination, alas, never to come true. The insistent question though is how do you know you have truly loved or not?
Seriously I have considered looking into this further to the point that I almost typed it in on Google (I stopped right before my fingers touched the keyboard) since Google is so smart right, it has an answer for everything no matter how shallow or how intense the question is. But I realized the answers would just be theories, theories and never ending theories that I wouldn’t have any idea if ever applied or what. I also discouraged myself from asking the question out loud because I remember I have asked someone this question a long time ago, and I remember being more confused than enlightened after the answer.
Perhaps I’ll continue wondering, especially on my free time and I hope, I sincerely hope that one day, I find that answer to my insistent question. But for now I’ll stay immense in fairytales because maybe, just maybe, I’ll get to see some hint and hopefully the answer, after all, one can always hope.